Thought: Just a look into my darkness…
Why am I like this? Sometimes I’m okay with being alone, but sometimes I feel like this. And it sucks so much in my entire life. When I’m like this, I feel like I don’t even know myself. I become a stranger to myself. I just want to be alone, but when I’m alone I feel so lost. I’m so terrible. All I’m doing is inflicting harm upon myself. Every time I find new people who come into my life, I attach myself to them and I stay with them, but in the end, they leave and a part of my just slowly disappears. I do this a lot. Am I that terrible? So terrible that when there’s someone new in my life, they don’t last long. I mean I’m only 19, but still. Besides my mom, it seems like every one I become close to, they leave. Actually, I’m not even that close to my mom. Someone teach me how to be a better person. I want to learn how to be a better person. I want to be a better person. I just want people to want me in their life. Even if its only a little bit. Just one person. Find me and let me latch on and then never let me go.
Sigh.. Maybe, I’m just overreacting. Its only been like two days. But the two days broke my heart. It was someone I was close to. Very close to. She treated me like a personal diary and then sometimes she told me I didn’t have to read her ramblings. But I did it anyways. All the little things, I wanted her to feel like she will always have someone. I think throughout our entire life of us knowing each other, only once did she tell me specifically how much I meant to her. And we’ve known each other since I was like 8 years old, but we only started getting closer when I was 12 or 13 years old. Even though I’m older, I let her push me around because I didn’t want her to not like me, and she liked to push me around. Of course, just jokingly. It was kinda like our thing. She was my master, and I was her slave number 5. I’d drive to her house to go get her to hang out and I didn’t mind. I wanted us to spend time together. And she was always down to spend time.
Maybe I just need to give people space. Let go. When they need me, I’ll be here. And one day, if I ever find my own self worth, maybe I won’t be here waiting anymore and I’ll be okay on my own. I got this. I do. Believe in myself. The only person I need to need me, is myself. And I need myself.