2017.04.18

Thought: Aftermath

Today has been an eventful day for me. A lot of emotions. I woke up at 5 am, right on the dot. And I couldn’t sleep any longer. I woke up feeling terrible and I was just so sad. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Then I decided that I shouldn’t cry here because my housemates might hear me so I ran away to the balcony to cry like the drama queen I am. I just didn’t want to be around them today. I wasn’t mentally stable enough to see them. So I left.

Around 6:30, I decided, let me go to where I enjoy being the most, the mini river thing. Water has always calmed me down, so I wanted to go there to chill my mind. I walked there then I walked across the street to the other side of the stream. It was nice but then I decided I should go wait for my professor and get the study guide because I didn’t feel like facing J. I scared her so much yesterday. I couldn’t face her just yet. So I waited for an hour for my professor to come into his office.

I bet he was so surprised to see me. I almost cried as I told him my business. I thought I was okay to but I wasn’t. Physically , I’m merely hurt. Just a bit on my chest from the seat belt but psychologically, I feel so terrible. I need time to heal, but a part of me doesn’t want me to heal just yet.

Anyways, back to the story of my day. After meeting with my professor, I got out just in time to go to the counseling place on campus. I went and talked to this lady. She was great. It really helped. She didn’t tell me anything that I didn’t already know, but it was nice to get things off my chest a little. I felt better talking about it, but it was only momentarily.

After talking to her, I journeyed back to my favorite place. And I sat there for a while. I decided to try and contact the lady in the wreck. I needed to talk to her and apologize again. I wanted to make sure she was okay. I feel so bad for hurting her. I don’t even know what to do right now. I still haven’t been able to contact her. I feel terrible.

But after I failed to contact her, I felt so trapped in the darkness. I feel so guilty to have hurt my friends so much. T’s in so much pain. She’s super sore. P’s sore all over too. Y’s sore. J’s throat hurts too. I feel so terrible. I don’t even know how to express my feelings. It sucks. I hate it. This self hatred. But back to my reality again.

I called my Nachos. She was sleeping but I’m glad she picked up. I told her about it. About all of it. And it really helped me feel better. She cheered me up. I was on call with her all the way until I came back to the apartment. Then I saw P. I couldn’t even voice my concern. I suck. I was scared and also very tired. I walked a lot already that day and it was only lunch time. So I decided that I could use a nap. Also that way, I didn’t have to talk to anyone.

Somewhere around 3 pm-ish, I woke up. The moments after waking up are the worst. I cried a little bit thinking I was by myself. Thank goodness, I didn’t do any crazy wailing because I wasn’t alone. T and P were here sleeping too. I guess we all needed sleep. T soon woke up though. She kinda lectured me a bit for disappearing on them. Mianhe. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know what to do at that moment and I just wanted to go away. But I was kinda forced to say something. I feel bad that I can’t even find the courage to talk to T about it. She is someone I admire very much. I enjoy her presence in my life. But I still can’t express it to her. I don’t know if I ever could. I don’t want to cry anymore but I can’t help it right now. My inner person and my outer person are fighting too much.

But continuing with my day. I decided to go out and have a beansprout adventure with the beansprouts. They have been worried about me all day. I was being selfish and I wasn’t even thinking about them. Mianhe. But they gave me a hug and we played a while. Then me and J and T and S went to Walmart. It was nice to be with them again. It was like nothing happened.. Kinda. Inside I remember, but on the outside I think I was okay. But not much has happened. We paid, left, came home, and did some chores.

But I don’t even know where to begin with my self reflection. I feel terrible. Yesterday, I accidentally kept Y around. I should’ve never cried. It wasn’t the thought of abandonment that made me cry. I think it was because of the comfort she kinda gave me that made me even worse. I couldn’t stop. I still keep returning to this state of self hatred and it’s hurting me really badly. I just wish that this never happened.. I can’t believe that it happened. I’m really sorry. I feel the worst ever. I can’t. Not today.

-PK

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