2017.04.17

Thought: Car Wreck

So. today I got in a car wreck. My first one. I think I handled it really well. Well, kinda. I was okay during and immediately after the wreck. But now, I don’t know now. I don’t know what to do. There’s a lot of self hate going on.. I feel bad and guilty. I hurt so many of my friends. I feel so so SO bad. I don’t really know what to say. I can’t do anything right now to make anyone feel more okay. I don’t know… I feel guilty. I have no idea right now. How am I going to continue? I’m so terrible. I’m being so selfish right now…. I’m so concerned with how I am but I’m not even thinking about any body else. I hurt so many of them. There was four other people. I feel so bad. I don’t know how to make anything better. I’m so freaking selfish. I’m only thinking about myself. What about my friends.. I feel bad. I don’t even know how to make them feel better. Like my unnie is currently hanging around at the place I’m leeching off of instead of doing her homework. I feel bad. I don’t know how to be okay right now.

But. I am a resilient person. I am a very strong child. I will carry the blame because it is all solely my fault. I should have looked harder. I should have waited ten years. I should have took a right turn instead of a left. I should have been more patient. This all happened because I was a bad person. I feel so guilty. And terrible. Why was I like this? I can never do anything right… I really suck. I need to just go away. For a long time. I have to stop. I’m terrible. I feel the worst ever. I should never be allowed to be around people. I’m terrible. I don’t need people. People don’t need me. I’m so self centered. I’m still only thinking about me. What about my friends?

One of them feels cold chills running around in her head. One of them is really physically hurt. One of them is sleeping away the trauma. One of them doesn’t want me to think that I’m feeling abandoned, but she should just abandon me because that way she can do her own homework. One is worried to death about the rest of us. And one of them is the older sister to one of them and I just feel so bad. I can’t do anything for them right now. I don’t even know what to do for myself. I can’t live like this. I feel terrible. A lot of self hate… I hate it because I love myself a lot. But what am I to do… I don’t know. My heart hurts. Like a lot. Not because of my chest is swollen from the seat belt. But I hurt. Inside. I can’t be like this. I don’t know how to do this. I just feel so guilty and bad. And just terrible.

So many things happened today too. I should have listened to myself. My dream this morning gave me a really bad hair cut. It was terrible but then after a while it looked okay. And then I looked at the bill and it was 100-something-with-a-three-in-it. Same as my ticket today. I don’t know how to function right now and its sucky. I can’t live right now. I need a run away from life. Just for a while until I feel better. But besides the dream, I also lost a parking space. I saw the car pull out and I saw another car pull into the spot. I usually don’t get such bad luck. Ugh. I can’t. I hurt now. Like physically and mentally. UGHHH. I can’t feel like this. It’s terrible…

-PK

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